I am writing this just after finishing my shift. I was meant to be working on my strict blogging schedule, but decided to just share some late night wandering instead. So, no pretty pictures here ;)
For the last few weeks, I have been struggling with the balancing of the body positive community and going to gym. You see, gym is amazing for me because it let’s me rid myself of stress, it gives me the escape that I truly need and I feel frikken amaze balls for going. But then, it is burdened with the small voice inside me that wants to revert back to diet culture, where I acknowledge that I don’t see any physical difference, where I feel that I need to only eat salads for the rest of my life, and it’s tough.
Man, it is tough.
And because it is tough, I want to eat all the bad stuff. My trainer will probably slap my wrists for using the word bad, because after all, there is no good or bad food. There is only food, and despite popular belief, we do actually need carbs and sugar, too.
I have really been reading more and more body positive blogs and articles, and have even joined a sort of support group where women from all over the world share their struggles and victories. As much as I love immersing myself into the community, I realize that I am very far from being completely accepting of myself. I still have the urge to diet, I still feel the pressure to dress a certain way and while I am trying really hard to overcome the shittiness of society’s pressure, I am also trying very hard to find a version of myself that I am happy with.
Anyhoo, this article took a bit of a turn.
Today, I ate cake. I felt every bit of guilt for every single bite I took. I tried to act like it wasn’t eating away at me, but by my fourth bite, I was fighting the tears. I can’t justify my guilt – maybe it was because I had just finished at gym, it was a hard workout and I noticed that for the first time in a long time, I didn’t look over at my reflection with the same adoration that I have been, recently. Instead, I was filled with insecurity and the idea that my body is only limiting me.
I don’t celebrate ocassions especially when they revolve around my own achievements. I sort of brush it under the carpet, shrug it off and start making my way through my next goal. But today was different, today deserved a party, because you know what? I am doing damn well!
Today, The Herald, our local newspaper, has announced that I am one of their online contributing columnists. And you know what? I see it as such a milestone! Just a few months ago, Lydia asked me what my goal is, and I said to contribute to my local newspaper, fast forward a few months and here we are. I stomped that goal and I am damn proud!
>>> HERE’S MY FIRST ARTICLE <<<
This is just the news I needed after having my heart broken last week. I hadn’t said anything but I am in an oversharing mood at 11:15pm. I was contacted by a local brand who had invited me to speak about the importance of body positivity. I was beyond honoured, flattered, excited – all the happy things and for the first time, I didn’t wait until I was at the event to tell my friends and family, I was just too excited that I ended up telling them all. Anyhoo, emails went back and fourth and I had even begun preparing what I would say, but upon submitting my brief – the brand came back with the most devastating response, “Sorry, wrong Megan.” It stung! I felt so stupid and embarassed for thinking that I would ever be considered fit for the part, I was angry at the manner it was handled especially as this was a brand that I was eager to show off in my #BMKBucketList challenge, but I was hurt and ashamed and to top it all off, my family and friends were all waiting to hear all the details, so I was the fool who had to explain to them that nope, it wasn’t me, guys. I am the wrong Megan.
P.S. To the right Meg, please don’t let this incident take away from your own accomplishments. Your work in the BoPo community is every much deserving of this honour. I can’t wait to hear all about the event and will be following your social media to keep up with the excitement. Well done girl, really and truly – well done!
But today, I realized that I am only 22 – I have loads of heartbreaks ahead, but the better news is that I have tons of goals that I am yet to stomp. I am the manager of two-US based companies, I work my arse off on this blog. Just this month, I have been on TV, I have spoken all about body positivity at the Curves high-tea, I modelled outfits that I thought I could never pull off. I contribute to Tums 2 Tots Online and as of today, I ticked off my next goal, I am an online contributing columnist to my local newspaper.
Life isn’t easy. We’re in the midst of looking for a new home, we’re still trying to figure out this new routine of both D and I working at the same times which sometimes means we only eat at 10pm. Axl is going through a horribly emotional stage which has me questioning my ability as a mom 100% of the time. But you know what? Despite it all, I am damn proud. And I deserve to eat cake without guilt. So today, we eat cake.
For those of you who are wondering, I guess my next goal would be to feel less guilty over mundane things like cake – I am working on that. But the biggie, that I am going to work towards is having my own TED talk before I turn 30, do you think it’s possible?