Just over a week ago, I was on the edge of a breakdown. Nope, scratch that. I was having a breakdown. It was one of those tough times that I figured we might just never recover from this “stage”, this “phase,” this mother of a mountain. I know that it sounds dramatic, but when I wrote my last post, that’s what I was really thinking. However, a few of you reached out to me and man, you warmed my heart. I can’t begin to explain what this little space has done for me and my family. Sure, I get to share with you my passions, some really cool brands, and new things that I have been dying to try but I also get to share my triumphs and losses, and when I eventually stop being stubborn and accept defeat, you lot are so supportive and encouraging, and for that I thank you.
I realize that when things get bad we are always so quick to list everything that is going wrong and it’s pretty tough trying to find the good, you know? My last post was a means of letting go of the bad, so that I could focus on what it was that I was going to do, to improve the situation. I put my head down and worked harder than I have ever worked before. No, it didn’t fix anything but it sure kept my mind busy. After the tears, the exhaustion and the letdown, I found peace and accepted that things are bound to fall into place… if not now, then later.
Things still aren’t one hundred percent in their place. Being a freelancer can be horrible at times, sure we both get to watch our kiddo grow up, we’re with him 24/7, we annoy the living daylights out of one another, but we make breakfast, lunch and dinner together, too. There are many pros and most days they very easily outweigh the cons, but there is an inconsistency that comes with being a freelancer and inconsistency is something that I struggle with.
Today, things were about to get really bad, I let out a sigh and put it to the side of my mind – very out of character for me. Sure, it meant that our phones may get disconnected, well, so be it! We would just make do without it, right? But what if something happens to my mom in Jo’burg or my dad and sister in Cape Town – what if they couldn’t get hold of me? Despite trying my hardest, the worry still snuck in once or twice, and then it happened. A very polite buzz of my phone came at just the right time and reminded me that everything is still falling into place, even when I don’t know of it yet.
When you’re in the midst of climbing that mountain, it may seem like there isn’t really any other way. Sometimes you’ve got to just keep climbing, or risk falling and losing everything. Climbing takes a level of fitness, it requires the right equipment and there are often times that we leave our mountain climbing gear at home, and we land up with open sores all over our hands and scars that will accompany us to our old age. But that’s just it, the open sores heal, and the scars serve as a reminder, so we have to choose what they’re going to remind us of – will I allow my mountain climbing scars be the reminder of days where I was filled with sadness, worry and anxiety over things that were honestly beyond my control, or am I going to let my scars serve as a reminder of all the fun (albeit creative) things we did as a family, despite having to climb mountains?
So where to from here?
My mind is in a much better place, but I feel my body has taken the strain. I got lost in the emotions of it all and kept stuffing my face with more and more junk, knowing that it was bound to make me feel bad, in the end. But still, I did it. And now it’s time to be accountable. I am unhappy with how my body is looking and feeling, but instead of eating another chocolate, I am going to go back to nurturing my body. No, it’s not about the numbers on the scale or my jean-pant but it is about how I am feeling, and right now, I am not feeling like me. I am not feeling pretty, or attractive or empowered.
I mentioned in my last post about having a big family but still feeling somewhat lonely. Since then, I have pushed myself outside my own comfort zone and emerged myself in communities of like-minded people. Real people. Also, I am elated to be having both my mom and dad visit for Easter. I have really missed having, at least, one of them around to see on the weekends and with all that’s been going on, it will be nice to just be with my family, my safe zone.
We’re strongly considering enrolling Axl into a local playschool. After seeing my cousin, whos kid is a few months younger than Axl, I was comforted by the idea of sending him off to the same pre-school. It will give me a few hours to work and by the time he gets home, I am free and can focus on him! It will also help with his routine, gain confidence, teach him to share, be kind and most importantly, assist his vocabulary. That’s something that has been weighing heavy on Darren and me. I so easily get caught in the comparison game and am very aware that each child is different and there are several factors that play its part, but I worry that his vocabulary isn’t progressing as fast as it should be. I don’t want the fact that he is at home, with two working parents, to stop him from learning, engaging and being him. I want to enable him and if that means enrolling him into a pre-school before we’re ready, well then maybe it’s about time we become ready, ey? So once the finances are sorted and we have regained control of everything, we will start putting the wheels in motion so that he can start at pre-school too.
Also, a little bit of exciting news. You may already know but I have my own column over at Tums 2 Tots Online Magazine. Mandy has created a space that allows and encourages me to explore a new side of my writing and embrace my passion for beauty while sharing tips with fellow moms. She’s been so hard at work, preparing for a huge rebranding of the platform and in the meantime has sent some sneak peeks of my dedicated blog listing. Also, if you haven’t already – go check out this month’s post which finally shows you how to groom your own eyebrows with a step by step tutorial and free printable.
I have also been invited to speak at the Eastern Cape Blogger’s Meetup. Yep, we’re getting one of those too, whoo0-hoo! I will be chatting about creating a brand for your blog and an introduction to monetization. I have so many things that I want to fit into this one talk, so I need to sit and work out the structure of my talk and figure out the best way to present all my ideas. I don’t want to divulge too much but I am sure I will either include a follow-up post or share more hints as the date draws closer.
Between all the chores of life, I have been enjoying focusing on this space, my space. I have been working hard on creating content that I am excited to share while committing to a schedule and making it work. I have a vision of where I want to be in the next few years from now and that means putting in the extra effort and time right now.
All in all, I am just feeling an abundance of gratefulness, right now. I am grateful for the people who are in my life; the many new friends that I have made, the family who no matter how far they might be, continue to build me up. I am grateful for the opportunities that have been thrown my way, my job that ensures that I can feed my kid every day and the many hundreds and thousands of other things that I have every reason to be grateful for. If you’re feeling like you’re in that same dark place that I was in a little while ago, then I recommend reading the story of Pandora. It’s been one of my absolute favorite Greek Myths since I first read it in grade 5 and serves as my reminder that even through the darkest, ugliest tragedies that face us every single day, there is and always will be hope.