These last few days have taken its toll on me. Last night, I felt the depths of my depression sinking in, adding to my anxiety which had already been in overload and while trying to finish my work for the day, it all became too much. By the time my boss called, to check in on things, I was fighting back the tears and trying my hardest to remain calm. I have no real reason to feel this way and all thing considered, we’re doing pretty fantastic, but still, there’s a pit in my stomach.
I worry about EVERYTHING. Darren was reading the perfect description of anxiety, the other day. The article read that it’s like that feeling that you get when you’re mid-fall, just before you’ve managed to catch your balance or fall flat on your face. Even when something is going well, I sit wondering about what happens when it ends, instead of just enjoying it. I constantly work myself up, thinking of plan B through to Z, in case plan A were to fail through.
2015 has been a bitch and it seems that it has taken everyone down with it. Above all, I am grateful that we had my job to fall back on when Darren was retrenched, we both wonder how we would have survived if I had not. But it still weighs heavy and with the weight of the world on my shoulders, I so easily feel worn down and I find myself getting irritated by the smallest of things. Whether it’s Axl sucking too hard or too long while he breastfeeds, or Darren dying my hair wrong – I feel like I am constantly on the edge. I know that I am being irrational and I find myself questioning my own sanity during my meltdowns, but they just happen… and I am struggling to stop myself from falling flat on my face.
I feel disconnected from the people who were once my nearest and dearest. Maybe it’s just that Christmas is creeping in and the hole that they’ve left is so much more obvious than before. I am grateful for the family who surround us every day and who go out of their way to make me feel so special – thank you for accepting all of me, flaws, quirks and all. But I am forever wondering about those who I have lost along the way.
Lately, the past has been sneaking its big ugly head back into my life. I realize that a lot of what I went through as a young teenager, are things that people never really recover from and that maybe, I have it easy. I have made peace with a lot of those things but some days, I see something and it takes me back to that very sad time and I am left wondering what if I had done things differently, or what if everyone involved had just made a different decision: chose to part ways sooner, shared the truths, put down the bottle, listened instead of always shouting to be heard, walked away and closed the door on those who didn’t belong. Some days, I find myself wondering if there ever was any real hope of having a real relationship with my bio-dad, whether it will always be like this. Did I mess up in a fit of hurt and anger? What if I stopped fighting and just accepted things for what they were – would today be any different?
Maybe it’s the end of year jitters. It’s very final, isn’t it? I have started wondering about my standing in my company, where I want to be in 3 years time and how I am going to get there. Did I mess up somewhere? Should I be saving towards taking a course? Is a course even enough? How do I grow and become the person that I so badly want to be??
I have been feeling overwhelmed by just about everything; from work, to family and everything in between.
Today, it’s been about my blog; something I take so much pride in and something that I firmly believe is my own space. Bloggers often talk about blog envy which is comparing your blog to others. It’s a hard trap not to fall into and one that’s even harder to get out from. And I guess that I am there. Again, I know that the things that are upsetting me aren’t even real things and the more professional type of bloggers would just shrug it off, but whenever I start feeling like this, I start wondering if it’d just be easier to toss in the towel.
Essentially, it wouldn’t.
I have far too much to say and keeping that all in, won’t do anyone any favours. But I need to remember why I started my blog, refocus on my passions and find the joy of it all. For the last month, I have stuck to a strict schedule of posts, ensuring that each day you could expect new content. I liked (and still do like) the idea of it but in reality, I just don’t get the appeal of sticking to a schedule. Ironic, when everything in my life has to be so organized. But I kind of like waking up and while doing the dishes, thinking of my motivation for a new post.
I have also been toying with the idea of starting a YouTube channel (again). For those of you who have been with me from the beginning, (a whole 2 years ago) you will remember that before I even started blogging, I had started recording videos for Beauty Bulletin. Those videos have since been removed because I was so ridiculous about the editing and hated the final result, but I also had zero time for a channel when I welcomed a new baby. I found it easier to write my blog posts, because it allowed for me to come back any time that I wanted, to finish what I had started. These days, Axl is old enough to be distracted and give me the time that I need to record a video. I prefer videos because I can talk freely (and probably repeat myself a hundred times). I also think that people are more inclined to watching a 6 minute video versus a 1500 word blog post, sorta thing. But at the same time, there are SO many GREAT YouTubers, especially in the SA community and I don’t really see my videos being anywhere near to good enough, not to mention the worries over lighting and actually getting changed out of my jammies.
This seems like a crazy post and don’t get me wrong, it feels very unstructured. But there’s a reason I am writing it. Today, I had a very special person ask me for advice on the very feelings that I am having (about my blog). But honestly, I have no right answer. I’d like to think that these are the things that all bloggers feel and maybe by me putting it out there and being more vulnerable, it’ll help you feel a bit better about your own space, too.
The truth is, I think I just need to step away for a few days, and refocus my attention on the things that matter. Take some time to get the sleep that I am so desperately in need of, stop worrying about unrealistic schedules that I am not completely passionate about and just enjoy the Christmas cheer – well find mine, first.
So here’s to a post that wasn’t on the schedule, probably has hundreds of grammatical errors but is all of me and how I am currently feeling.