depression and anxiety - By Megan Kelly

Let’s Talk about my Anxiety and Depression

man-390341_640

These days, it feels like everyone has depression and I almost feel like it’s a cliche saying that I struggle with it. When I was 15, I started seeing my 3rd psychologist with great hesitancy, who diagnosed me with depression. My mom had decided that we were going to continue with me seeing him once a week (sometimes twice)  to try work through all the sads and try avoid being put on medication. Now, before you jump down my throat, I have nothing against medication in fact there are times I wish that we had chosen to put me on anti-depressants back then. My husband suffers with depression, bi-polar and borderline something or other. He uses several medications to help him manage it and he credits the person he has become to being on the right combination of medicine.

Before I met Darren, I was part of the masses who thought that mental illness was an indication of weakness. I am sorry to admit it but I was exceptionally ignorant. I remember sitting in someone’s house when I was a kid, who went on to say that her sister-in-law who was battling bi-polar just needed to go to church. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy! Being with my husband has taught me a lot about mental illness and has helped me accept my own problems and be more direct in managing them.

It was only recently that I realized how I suffer with anxiety. I think the best way that I can explain it is that I always knew the book definition of anxiety but I couldn’t identify it, in myself. I realize now that I have been suffering with anxiety since the beginning of time, really. When I think back to my days at school, I remember sitting in the sick room where I couldn’t think of a way to explain the cramping in my stomach. It feels like bubbles and as each one pops, this intense pain fills my entire stomach which constrains me from exhaling and making it really tough to breathe. I used to go to a physiotherapist on the weekly basis to work on the tension in my neck, back, feet and hands. Yes, I had knots in my hands! These are all things that I still experience, even in my adulthood. At night, I toss and turn over stupid little things that happened when I was in school, or ways that I may have reacted in a situation, nit picking at each scenario and how I could have handled it better. Do you think the people in each case is up at night, thinking back to that time? No, I don’t! Yet, here I am, stressing and worrying over something that was rather insignificant which just so happens to keep me up at night.

Anxiety explains why I struggle in social situations. I am exceptionally talkative and can keep a conversation going, except when it is with a group of people that I don’t know. Networking events are things that my nightmares are made of! Recently (and by recent, I mean in May – and yes, I am still worrying about it) I attended an opening and as I walked through the doors, they had a red carpet lined with people acting as paparazzi snapping pictures with the flash on. I was on my own, I didn’t know anyone and was stunned. I literally could have curled up and died. I ended up walking through, got my name badge, went to the food section which had so much incredible food and cakes, but I was too hung up on the shock of walking into all those cameras that I could only grab a water before awkwardly finding a place to sit down. The entire event was a sham for me and I begged Darren to come fetch me as soon as it was done. On the rare occasion that I do get invited to events, I spend the entire time leading up to the event worrying about what I will wear. This isn’t like a typical girl saying, “Ermagerd, but this dress is so cute!” It is more like an intense fear that I might sit wrong in the outfit that I pick, and there’ll be photos shared on social media and my arms will look fatter and my family will see it and they’ll try to host an intervention for my weight gain.

My anxiety makes me emotional and sometimes, Darren thinks that I am just being a broken human but something as small as a statement about the meat being overdone makes me worry that I am a horrible cook and that dinner was obviously terrible and why do I even bother. Other times, like this week, I hear that my mom is visiting and I stress about the house being cleaned, hire someone to help me spring clean and then end up cleaning even after the nanny leaves because it isn’t good enough. I am probably one notch away from ironing the bed.

And the reason I am sharing this with you is because there are times where I wake up and I know that I am meant to get up and write a post and be inspiring or something like that. But I can’t and I just disappear. These past two weeks I have been fighting the inevitable sads and have been ridden with anxiety, trying my best to work through it. I have learnt so much through my own late night research which helps me. I feel like that what I am feeling may not be normal, but I am not alone in it and perhaps knowing what’s wrong is the first step to learning to manage it.

I am Megan Kelly, the creator behind By Megan Kelly, mom of two boys, named Axl and Eli, and local business owner providing digital marketing solutions. I live on copious amounts of coffee, can be bribed with chocolate and will never admit to having too much makeup – although, I probably do.

Tags:
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
13 Comments
  • Life Lately: That feeling of wanting to give up - By Megan Kelly
    Posted at 22:34h, 14 July Reply

    […] worry about EVERYTHING. Darren was reading the perfect description of anxiety, the other day. The article read that it’s like that feeling that you get when you’re […]

  • kerryheathfield
    Posted at 18:25h, 03 October Reply

    I am right there with you. I am glad that so many are starting to feel comfortable talking about it because the more we talk, the more we learn and realize we aren’t alone. I had a little incident during the week which still has me so anxious that I am battling to sleep or even think about anything else.
    I know more than anyone that there isn’t much I or anyone can say to make the anxiety/depression any easier but just know that there are so many of us who will support you and ensure that you are not alone in your feelings, worries and fears.
    So glad you have someone who understands and makes you feel okay with the way you feel.
    Great post and thank you for sharing

  • amanda hassan
    Posted at 18:23h, 03 October Reply

    In 2011 three weeks aftwr my youngest son turned 1 I was diagnosed with major depression disorder.I was institutionalised three times in five months and after my first stint I came home and started having the worst anxiety attacks ever.thank God for meds and a patient husband or else God knows I’d probably have been a suicide statistic by now.I still have sleepless notes over things that other pple wouldn’t waste time stressing over and crowds still scare the bejesus out of me but I handle it better these days.my biggest frustration and sadness comes from the “its all in ur mind,think about something else,the medication is not good for u,pray,…..” Like seriously I didn’t choose to feel like this in fact if u gave me a magic wand I would wish it away.mental illnesses are not taken seriously,hence so many pple lose their lives cause no one seems to understand what we going thru.I’m blessed with a supportive family and amazing doctors but so many are not that fortunate. My wish…more understanding and less judging for things we don’t really understand.my depression has become a sensitive issue,because for someone so “strong” its the one thing I can’t overcome.

  • Laverne
    Posted at 17:54h, 03 October Reply

    WOW. I wonder are we all suffering and is this a curse of our lifestyles. I too suffer with anxiety to the point that I can stay awake forever. My brain wont switch off. I am making lists about the things I didn’t do. You explanation of the bubbles. Sheesh I would not have known how to explain it but that is it exactly. I also still seek my mothers approval that when she visits my anxiety goes into overdrive and I feel like I am failing at everything and that she will notice, so I hire people to reorganize. I worry about her seeing the weight. Like Maz I avoid so many events because I agonize over how I look. I hate people taking photos of me and even selfies are a nightmare. I need to take a million and not because I am vain its because I nit pick and critique myself harshly. I recently said I want to take photos of myself in my underwear and no make up and post it so that its out there and I can be free of the pressure, everyone will have seen my worst. I haven’t had the courage, yet but someday. I get better each day since I have acknowledged my self esteem issues and my anxiety of not being good enough so that I could deal with it. I look forward to the next 3 years because I am not the girl I was 3 years ago and have gone from strength to strength. And yes I take meds and it definitely helps me sleep.

    Thank you for sharing its so nice to know we are not alone. Good Luck Megan you are such a beautiful soul,

    • Megan Kelly
      Posted at 18:07h, 03 October Reply

      You gave me all the feels. Thank you so much for your sweet comment. I am starting to realize that anxiety is something we all seem to be experiencing and maybe it is something we do need to start talking about so that we know it’s going to be okay. I love your idea of the photoshoot and funny enough wanted to do one too! I will need to work on my confidence, but I definitely think it is a brilliant idea!! My husband thinks that I suffer with Body Dismorphia because I am so self-conscious which is ironic, considering I take about 200 selfies for this blog. I think that this space has given me the platform to start embracing my flaws and find beauty in my mistakes. It’s a refreshing feeling, isn’t it? I have to agree that I am a completely different person to who I was and that I hope to continue to grow in strength and wisdom with help from the beautiful people who surround me! Thank you so much, you truly are a dear!

  • CaffeineAndFairydust
    Posted at 11:10h, 29 September Reply

    I am petrified of going to events, and decline many invitations due to my anxiety disorder. Sometimes I pluck up the courage, but the hours leading up to it is excruciating. I fear everything, from what to wear, to how to act, driving alone, showing up first, showing up late, not having anyone to talk to, you name it. I have a event coming up at a “secret location” – I accepted, but you have no idea how much it is freaking me out not knowing where I am going! Ugh, anyway. I understand what you are saying and feeling. Anxiety is no joke.

  • Leana Henke
    Posted at 17:41h, 28 September Reply

    My word… I felt the anxiety as you explained it. I had no idea. Mine isn’t as bad as yours but it sure managed to give me a solid panic attack the other day. Geez, life is one crazy ride – its a miracle anyone manages to walk around without the occasional breakdown.

    • Megan Kelly
      Posted at 10:14h, 29 September Reply

      I often wonder about generations before us – how were they so much happier and better at living? Anxiety is horrible and it’s comforting knowing that other people know what I am talking about. Sending you lots of love xoxo

  • cupcakemummy
    Posted at 13:57h, 28 September Reply

    you speak all the truths.
    this going to events thing is a really big thing for me and if there isn’t someone there I know I very often don’t go. Thankfully most places are okay with me bringing someone with and The Person is great at being my sidekick. (He even tested out spray tan for me this weekend cause I simply couldn’t do it)
    It’s balls but I’m glad you’ve learned to realise that it’s not a sign of weakness.
    Sending you all the love and hugs and good vibes x

    • Megan Kelly
      Posted at 10:18h, 29 September Reply

      The Person sounds like an incredible person for you and seems to really help you a lot! Darren struggles with crowds too but I like your idea of taking someone else. Perhaps my sister-in-law? She’s tons better with people and she’s very pretty so it draws all the attention to her 😛 Your posts are always so inspiring and real, I appreciate you sharing your story so much and love that I know there are other people going through the same thing. As for the orange self-tan, use lemon juice and an exfoliating hand glove to wash it off.

      • cupcakemummy
        Posted at 11:42h, 29 September Reply

        ssh don’t tell him how to get it off, then i have nothing to laugh at hahaha 😉

  • Ronnae
    Posted at 12:51h, 28 September Reply

    Thank-you for sharing, I too battle with anxiety and depression… It saddens me that most people don’t take it seriously and treat it as if ” oh well it will blow over”. It is difficult to find people who understand 🙁

    • Megan Kelly
      Posted at 10:19h, 29 September Reply

      Mental illness is terrifying to go through on your own! If you ever need to chat about anything, please feel free to mail me at: [email protected] and I will send through my number. I may not be a professional but I promise to listen xoxox

Post A Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.