Twas the 5 days before my birthday and this year ’round I decided that I would not let the usual birthday-blues get me down. I usually fall into this sad trap of getting really heartbroken over silly things like missed opportunities and the things that I haven’t yet done. But this time, that isn’t going to happen.
This year has been a huge learning curve and I feel that I have grown in leaps and bounds (yes, it is okay to acknowledge that you are succeeding – and be proud of it, too). I started this year 2nd guessing my every move, wondering if I was doing the right thing, never too sure where I was heading. It can be tough especially when the people that you matriculated with, are just about to walk across that graduation stage when I still just have a matric certificate to my name. I don’t know why I put so much importance on academics when I know that having a degree doesn’t guarantee employment. It is probably because that was the idea forced down my throat from the time that I could recognize my own name. But it isn’t true.
I have finally started to recognize my little position at MGR and PGT and have started seeing it as just as important as anyone else’s job. When I first started at the company, people would get away with telling me to “just take off” because they had plans and my work times weren’t convenient for them, so they expected me to skip out on work. Nowadays, I usually respond with a firm, “but would you take off from work to go see a movie?” I mean, I respect their work hours and it is about time they learn to respect mine. At the end of the day, my job pays for the food in our fridge and the clothes on our backs and as much as it isn’t a conventional job where I sit behind a desk, it is still my job and one that I thoroughly enjoy!
While we’re talking about my career front, on Monday I accepted a new job. It was a perfect fit because it was very similar to what I already do, only this time it was for a South African based company. At first, we started out as just 2 hours in the morning which was okay. But before long, they liked what I could do, the sales systems that I had in place and they wanted more. A full day’s worth of more. Admittedly a 2nd income is exceptionally tempting and perhaps if I didn’t have Axl, I would manage it. But I have Axl, and he deserves and needs mommy time. Working from 8am-11pm every night just isn’t going to be worth it. When will I eat, sleep, live? I am so quick to over commit myself and then I become irritable and I have a short fuse. Yesterday, I lost my patience one too many times and I realized when I put Axl to bed and the way that he clung on to me that he is what matters. He isn’t going to be interested in the car we drove, the brands of clothing that we couldn’t afford or the fancy holidays that we never went on, he is only going to remember that both his parents did whatever they could to ensure the best future for him, that they were there on the game days and on the days that he had the sads and just needed a cuddle. He is going to remember that we gave our all even if we didn’t have it all.
My blog is also changing – evolving. I feel that I am at the stage where I am blogging more for me. I have taken the opportunity to focus my energy on posts that I am really passionate about. As a blogger, I often fall into this trap of feeling that I have to post because.. well, you need to remain relevant. A couple months ago, I wrote about things changing here. I decided to take a step back and reevaluate my wants for this little space. I have started to say no thanks, to working with companies and brands which don’t seem to fit in with the style and voice of my blog, and focusing a lot more on the personal things by sharing more about me and my family, our struggles and celebrations.
Darren is doing really well as a freelance web designer. He has been getting all his work through the same site that I find mine. I really did have my doubts in the beginning but he has proven me wrong and has been exceptionally disciplined and thriving at doing what he loves. Working from home has also seen a great improvement in his bi-polar and general health. When he was working for corporate, he could never sleep, was always irritable and restless. These days, he is just… at peace. It’s incredible to see. He loves being able to watch Axl grow up and that he gets to take time out to go on family walks, or play cars in the garden.
And Axl… Oh Axl! He is growing up too fast but I am really loving this mischievous and cheeky stage. There was a little while where I was all for having a 2nd kid, but these days, I am just enjoying this time with him so much and couldn’t imagine trying to juggle pregnancy, work and an overly ambitious toddler. I am in awe of Axl’s hand-eye coordination and his skills with a ball. He definitely doesn’t get it from me (I am so freakin clumsy!) but his daddy was SA roller hockey champ before being driven over, so maybe it’s in his genes? He also has the most incredible rhythm and loves to dance. When there isn’t music playing, he’ll fetch his piano and press a few buttons before dancing around.
It always catches me by surprise by the amount he loves. There is no greater love than a child’s. It is so innocent and consumes their entire world. Axl’s new thing is while he is nursing, he’ll pop his head up and give me a cuddle, a quick kiss and then continue drinking. It’s honestly the sweetest gesture like,”ey mom, I kinda love you and you’re doing a good job!”
Last year, this time, I had thousands of photos of him all neatly sorted in their monthly folders but this year, I am more about stepping from behind the screen and enjoying the moment with him. Sure, we still snap loads of memories, but I am not nearly as ridiculous as I once was. His vocabulary continues to blossom and these days I go by, “mom,””mam,””meggy,””meg-an,””mommy,” and “ma-ma”.
Health wise – I just want to take a moment to thank you guys! So many of you have sent me messages, emails and tweets asking about my diet and lifestyle changes. I know it’s something that I haven’t posted about in a long freakin’ while, and your messages are the only thing that motivates me. I went on a downward spiral from June and am so heartbroken to admit that I picked up about 10 kgs!!! What the actual F, Megan!? I was doing so well and I was looking (and feeling) great! then something happened and within a few days all self-control and commitment to a better me was gone! On Monday, I woke up, set goals and cut out sugar, carbs, caffeine and bad stuff! That means no more daily chocolate, coke with dinner and cappucinos with sugar. The migraine that I had today came as such shock and made me realize how reliant my body is on the bad stuff! With the warmer weather back, we’ve been taking our daily walk and have hopes to make it a daily 6km walk by the end of the month. I also recently got a yoga mat from Game (R100) and want to start doing the Yoga videos shown on Hulu but it’s just to find the time, while Axl is asleep. I tried doing it, the other morning, but Axl thought that lying on my face was appropriate and well… I didn’t even get a single stretch in. I have always wanted to try yoga but the idea that I was too fat kept me from trying – but ey, who gives a damn!? Do you guys want bi-weekly updates on this new journey? I promise that it’s not always going to be great, in fact for the most part I hate it. I dislike exercise and I hate not having fizzy coldrinks, coffee and chocolate… but hey, I have to do, what I need to do!
I think that wraps up this post. Although it’s my birthday in a couple days time, I have no real plans. I made an appointment to chop off my hair, the morning of. I am planning to go for the messy long-bob again. But other than that, I don’t have anything I really want to do. And it’s not that I am sad or down, like usual, it’s just that I have no idea what I should or want to do. What do you guys like to do, to celebrate?