27 Aug Life Lately: Feeling Defeated
This week started on such a high! I figured out that by leaving 10 minutes earlier, we managed to get Gabi to school more than 30 minutes early which she enjoyed by spending time with her friends. When she got home, she proudly told us all about her latest results. She received 90% for a History test and 85% for her English oral and was excited that she would be rewarded with a day on the ice, at Baywest. Besides making 3 flasks of coffee with water that hadn’t been boilt, my Monday was great.
But then Tuesday came…
Axl woke up with a stuffy nose and holding his head and crying. It was like his head was too sore. I noticed his glands were swollen, the drool had started, accompanied by a hectic fever and was biting onto anything. Teething – you horrible thing, you!
I had started a new job doing some design work, on the side, just to get a little extra cash in. But much to my disappointment, the client and I were on two very different pages and it seemed that nothing that I was doing, was right. I struggle with failure, it eats at me.
Then Gabi came home and the tiny little threads started coming loose. A few things, which I would much rather not get into, came up and I was forced to have a sit down with Gabs. It was an emotional chat and it ended in a typical, “storm off to my room, close the door and play loud music” sort of reaction from her. It was tough. And usually, I am the softie that wants everyone to be happy, but now I was being thrown into that parent role, where I had to discipline and stand my ground. By dinner time, she was her self so it proved that by just giving her some time, we’d be okay.
I thought I would escape by switching on my PC and reading through emails while Axl napped on my chest. I went onto social media and checked my usual channels but was only let down by a community which I had grown quite fond of. The absolute worst part was that it was over something that I didn’t even realize was offensive, let alone cause a stink up. But that’s what it became and it resulted in a bunch of subtweets and miserable posts.
So then Wednesday rolled in…
We started our day just as any other and went on to do our usual thing. Darren is working on 3 different e-commerce sites and Axl still isn’t well, so I spent most of my day running after him and trying to stop him from crying over absolutely everything. I decided to just focus on him but the nagging feeling of having to sort out Gabi’s transport to and from school was bothering me (and Darren.) In short, it costs us R97/day to take Gabi to and from school. Originally, our plan was to let her catch a bus but after the back and fourth of trying to get a bus schedule, we realized the bus stops nowhere near to our house so I would end up having to walk (or have Darren drive) her to the pick-up on the day-to-day basis. I tried calling the nursery schools and aftercares which are in abundance in the road that we live in and none of them head the way of her school. We tried contacting the school, too, but have heard nothing since.
Gabi came home, we had lunch and I was getting ready for work and all of sudden, I don’t actually know what happened – one minute, we were all chatting and the next my grandparents were fetching Gabi.
I feel so defeated and… lost. I wanted to have her stay with us so that we could help her. She was thriving and happy (it seemed like it, anyway) and I knew – I really did – that things were bound to go wrong at some point or another. But this is something beyond my control. The logistics just don’t make any sense, and my grandparents having her stay with them, when they already have to go to the school each day to drop and fetch her cousins – it does makes sense.
The reason for writing all this is because despite all the negative, I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone. On Tuesday, in the midst of my crappy day, I received a random letter that completely caught me off guard and brightened my day and in the last week, I have lost count of how many encouraging letters, tweets and Facebook messages I have received with words of love, support and motivation. It has been in abundance. And I am so, so, so grateful for it!
In the last few months I have been approached to make this whole blogging thing more about numbers, traffic and blah, blah, blah, blah! It is so easy to get caught up in the free stuff, the pay checks and ‘fame’ of it all but that isn’t why I started blogging. I started blogging to share my passions which very quickly became a platform to sharing the little bits of my life. Let me just say that there is a whole lot which doesn’t quite make it to the live pages of my blog but that I do try keep things real over here. The appreciation for my little space is so great and it drives me to work harder, to tweak the little things, to make things look better. So thank you! Thank you for caring so much and for telling me how my posts have helped, inspired or motivated you.
You are all wonderful.
Today is a new day. I refuse to be weighed down and realize that I have to get up and conquer my day just as I would any other day. So here’s to making the first move.