Defeat - By Megan Kelly

Life Latey: I am still here – just quiet

quotes - By Megan Kelly

Recently, I mentioned how I want to change things over here. I feel that the pressure of what a blogger should and shouldn’t do can become a bit overwhelming and am found constantly reminding myself that this is my space. It can be tough when you compare yourself to every other person on the interwebs. Sometimes I just feel that everyone appears to be so happy – and so wealthy (what do you people do at night!?!) I guess that it can be so disheartening especially when you feel like everything is falling apart.

I feel that we browse through our social feeds and are constantly reminded how we don’t measure up to the perfectly snapped shots and statuses. I spend hours beating myself up because I just can’t make it. Whether it is that perfectly balanced Instagram profile where all the pictures are brightly lit up and often include weird unrelated items thrown together for a “cute” shot or Facebook statuses that sum up the perfect weekend spent with their loved ones, on a leisure trip to some game reserve. Honestly, I don’t know if I have that much of a space over here, because compared to ya’ll, my life is pretty much sitting in Schitt’s Creek (good show – look it up!). What I am saying is, would it be so wrong to go; “yooo-hooo! I am drowning over here!”

I have toyed with the idea of really putting myself out there but what do these sort of pieces do for my “brand” as “they” say. What will the trolls have to say and basically, what happens if my life isn’t as perfect as most appear to be online.

Screw it. I am done playing pretend and quite honestly, I want to go back to this being my own space – an extension of me and what we’re currently going through. As my husband reminded me on Friday night, my biggest and best posts have always been the real and honest ones.

So here it goes… Life Lately… hhhmmmph!

When Darren and I met, he was thriving at his passion of being a web designer. A few months in and the structure of the company, where he worked, changed. Long story short, he was fired and things landed up going to CCMA, the company received penalties for unfair dismissal, blah, blah, blah and Darren was still stuck with no job. Having worked in the industry, previously, he reached out to his dad who owned a steel company and before long, websites took a back seat as a hobby and he worked full time as a structural steel draftsman.

We had a baby, got married and things were all honky dory – we snapped a few shots for Instagram and here we are.

But for the last little while, things have been going south for the company and without getting too much into it, we are now sitting with the problem of our car being taken away, Darren’s loss of income ANNND the loss of Darren’s medical aid.

Initially, I approached this with my typical way of thinking: this is not the end, things will work out, this is not the first time, there are people in a lot worse situations than you find yourself, stop being a little bitch and pull yourself together.

But that never lasts too long.

Truth is, a few years ago, my dad faced the same challenges. We went to school and work to come home to nothing but our beds and curtains. For months, we used a basin as a fridge and the bath as a washing machine. Sure, it wasn’t ideal – but we survived.

But this time… I am the adult AND I have a kid to take care of, above all.

Don’t get me wrong! I have tons to be grateful for and am especially thankful for the job that I have that allows me to work from home, and earn income to see us through. But that doesn’t stop me from stressing about everything under the sun – that’s just who I am.

The fact that we don’t have a car has had me in tears but crying doesn’t fix problems so it got me thinking, and I figured that I can order my groceries online and use the time to focus on my health by walking to the nearby shops to get our daily stuff. Plus, ordering online means that there is no tempting treats at checkout and perhaps sticking to a decent diet will be easier. But my worry is mainly about Axl and what if he needs to be rushed to hospital? I would need to call someone and wait for them to get to us, before we can get him to a hospital. Shit – that scares me!

As for Darren’s income, I have to trust that his hobby of websites can make up for the loss. He still freelances on the side and now he can focus on that. He’ll get to be at home and witness Axl growing up and hopefully, we won’t kill each other, being at home together, all the time.

Right now, my biggest worry is Darren’s medical aid. He suffers from bi-polar disorder, depression and a bunch of other things that requires about R3000 worth of meds. Until 2 days ago, we thought things were okay. But a rude awakening has been served and tomorrow, Darren takes his last dose. The only suggestion I have is to seek help at the local clinic, which can only help on Monday. Great stuff.

I haven’t ever seen Darren without his meds for more than a day. It really does depend on the events for the day, sometimes he doesn’t even notice that he forgot to take his meds and other times he can spit the most vicious words. Bi-polar is that unpredictable. We’ve had in-depth discussions about his past and what got him to this stage where he is on so many different meds, what it’s like to have bi-polar and what he would do differently. While that isn’t my story for telling, I know that what he says in a fit of rage is something that he has no control over – but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less, or worse how it will affect Axl.

Let’s hope the weekend goes off smoothly.

This weekend is my mom-in-law’s birthday, so we’ll be celebrating with a small get together and hopefully remember what family is all about. Right now, things aren’t okay – they are far from perfect. I am the crutch to everyone’s bad day and in the last week, my house has become a train station for many who are being affected by the current events. But today, I feel like I need the crutch because it’s getting kind of lonely over here.

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12 Comments
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  • Sharmaine
    Posted at 16:52h, 06 July Reply

    Not everyone understands the journey we sometimes have to take. Have faith this too shall pass. May God grant you the desires of your heart. Will pray for you and Darren. And never compare your chapter 1 to another persons chapter 10. People only post their good times few are man enough to post the shitty times. Xxx stay strong

    • Megan
      Posted at 17:58h, 07 July Reply

      Thank you Sharmaine for that message – it is truly special. Take care xx

  • luchae
    Posted at 16:52h, 06 July Reply

    Meg, just read your blog. Thank you for being real. Every single day we are lured into a false sense of “not good enough” by the facades we see on social media but truth be told: Everyone has their own ISH going on! I just want to encourage you today to place your hope in FAITH over fear. Fear steals your joy, makes you feel like you have hope and no future and that you are destined to fail. Faith keeps you going on… it reminds you that Gods story never ever ends on a negative… if things are looking grey, then He’s not finished yet. Keep your head up 🙂

    • Megan
      Posted at 17:59h, 07 July Reply

      Thanks so much Luchae! I truly believe that faith is what will get us through every storm – you’re right, this will pass and everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not okay – it is not the end. It’s just the roads to get us there that can be tough!

  • Stephanie
    Posted at 20:59h, 05 July Reply

    Very brave off you, and so sorry to hear of all that your going threw life cant be shit sometimes 🙁 , tom is monday so get to clinic asap iam sure they can help, Hang in there

    • Megan
      Posted at 18:00h, 07 July Reply

      Hey Steph, thanks so much – I am still hanging in there. I have Axl, so giving up is not an option! Thanks for all your support!

  • MissPhiphi
    Posted at 19:59h, 05 July Reply

    Wow Megan, you are really brave to share this.. I pray that things go well for you and your family. It must be really scary for Darren to run out of his meds, hopefully he will be able to get help from the clinic. I know someone with a mental illness and they get their monthly supply from governmemt hospital and it’s been a life saver coz they can’t afford to buy privately. And I can imagine the feeling of not having medical aid for Axl too. Having a baby who has had to be admitted twice in the space of one month I couldn’t imagine what we would have done without medical aid. Really wishing the best for you.. hang in there 🙂

    • Megan
      Posted at 18:01h, 07 July Reply

      Thanks so much hun – the point is not to be brave but to tell everybody else who is facing their own troubles that no one is facing perfect circumstances. I hope that it helped someone feel better and gave them the courage to face their own problems head on. Thanks for your support and kind words xox

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