05 Jul Life Latey: I am still here – just quiet
Recently, I mentioned how I want to change things over here. I feel that the pressure of what a blogger should and shouldn’t do can become a bit overwhelming and am found constantly reminding myself that this is my space. It can be tough when you compare yourself to every other person on the interwebs. Sometimes I just feel that everyone appears to be so happy – and so wealthy (what do you people do at night!?!) I guess that it can be so disheartening especially when you feel like everything is falling apart.
I feel that we browse through our social feeds and are constantly reminded how we don’t measure up to the perfectly snapped shots and statuses. I spend hours beating myself up because I just can’t make it. Whether it is that perfectly balanced Instagram profile where all the pictures are brightly lit up and often include weird unrelated items thrown together for a “cute” shot or Facebook statuses that sum up the perfect weekend spent with their loved ones, on a leisure trip to some game reserve. Honestly, I don’t know if I have that much of a space over here, because compared to ya’ll, my life is pretty much sitting in Schitt’s Creek (good show – look it up!). What I am saying is, would it be so wrong to go; “yooo-hooo! I am drowning over here!”
I have toyed with the idea of really putting myself out there but what do these sort of pieces do for my “brand” as “they” say. What will the trolls have to say and basically, what happens if my life isn’t as perfect as most appear to be online.
Screw it. I am done playing pretend and quite honestly, I want to go back to this being my own space – an extension of me and what we’re currently going through. As my husband reminded me on Friday night, my biggest and best posts have always been the real and honest ones.
So here it goes… Life Lately… hhhmmmph!
When Darren and I met, he was thriving at his passion of being a web designer. A few months in and the structure of the company, where he worked, changed. Long story short, he was fired and things landed up going to CCMA, the company received penalties for unfair dismissal, blah, blah, blah and Darren was still stuck with no job. Having worked in the industry, previously, he reached out to his dad who owned a steel company and before long, websites took a back seat as a hobby and he worked full time as a structural steel draftsman.
We had a baby, got married and things were all honky dory – we snapped a few shots for Instagram and here we are.
But for the last little while, things have been going south for the company and without getting too much into it, we are now sitting with the problem of our car being taken away, Darren’s loss of income ANNND the loss of Darren’s medical aid.
Initially, I approached this with my typical way of thinking: this is not the end, things will work out, this is not the first time, there are people in a lot worse situations than you find yourself, stop being a little bitch and pull yourself together.
But that never lasts too long.
Truth is, a few years ago, my dad faced the same challenges. We went to school and work to come home to nothing but our beds and curtains. For months, we used a basin as a fridge and the bath as a washing machine. Sure, it wasn’t ideal – but we survived.
But this time… I am the adult AND I have a kid to take care of, above all.
Don’t get me wrong! I have tons to be grateful for and am especially thankful for the job that I have that allows me to work from home, and earn income to see us through. But that doesn’t stop me from stressing about everything under the sun – that’s just who I am.
The fact that we don’t have a car has had me in tears but crying doesn’t fix problems so it got me thinking, and I figured that I can order my groceries online and use the time to focus on my health by walking to the nearby shops to get our daily stuff. Plus, ordering online means that there is no tempting treats at checkout and perhaps sticking to a decent diet will be easier. But my worry is mainly about Axl and what if he needs to be rushed to hospital? I would need to call someone and wait for them to get to us, before we can get him to a hospital. Shit – that scares me!
As for Darren’s income, I have to trust that his hobby of websites can make up for the loss. He still freelances on the side and now he can focus on that. He’ll get to be at home and witness Axl growing up and hopefully, we won’t kill each other, being at home together, all the time.
Right now, my biggest worry is Darren’s medical aid. He suffers from bi-polar disorder, depression and a bunch of other things that requires about R3000 worth of meds. Until 2 days ago, we thought things were okay. But a rude awakening has been served and tomorrow, Darren takes his last dose. The only suggestion I have is to seek help at the local clinic, which can only help on Monday. Great stuff.
I haven’t ever seen Darren without his meds for more than a day. It really does depend on the events for the day, sometimes he doesn’t even notice that he forgot to take his meds and other times he can spit the most vicious words. Bi-polar is that unpredictable. We’ve had in-depth discussions about his past and what got him to this stage where he is on so many different meds, what it’s like to have bi-polar and what he would do differently. While that isn’t my story for telling, I know that what he says in a fit of rage is something that he has no control over – but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less, or worse how it will affect Axl.
Let’s hope the weekend goes off smoothly.
This weekend is my mom-in-law’s birthday, so we’ll be celebrating with a small get together and hopefully remember what family is all about. Right now, things aren’t okay – they are far from perfect. I am the crutch to everyone’s bad day and in the last week, my house has become a train station for many who are being affected by the current events. But today, I feel like I need the crutch because it’s getting kind of lonely over here.