I usually leave these sort of blog posts for The Baby Blog, to mention Axl’s milestones and all that is happening with regard to our family life. However, this post seems a little more suitable to my lifestyle blog.
Today, I am moping about and feeling sorry for myself. Actually, I feel like I have been doing this for awhile now. You see, when I was about 15, I figured out that just like my mom – I suffer with depression. I went through a few dark years, which I try very hard to put behind me but still remembering the lessons learnt. I went to a psychologist who helped me work through a lot of the issues like putting those, who bring me down, out of my life, taking back that power, forgiving my parents… and my biological dad and learning to embrace the life we’re given. The problem with depression is, even when you should be on a complete high, you can feel really low- I mean, I have no reason to feeling down. I have an incredible little family; my son who, as my husband says, has the best smile and when I tickle him – he makes the most incredible sound: his laugh. He constantly reminds me what love is, when he screeches, “mom!” pulls on my face, gives me huge teddy-bear hugs and open-mouth kisses. Through Axl, I have learnt that we teach our kids to love and I am so grateful that even at 8 months, he has learnt to express that emotion, so well. My husband, as much as he teases me and pulls my leg, he really is the best. He can see I have the whole world on my shoulders and randomly gets up on a Sunday afternoon, to clean the house and do dishes – I did question whether he was feeling well. He says the corniest things and really knows how to suck up… but still, I am in the pits.
I have been working exceptionally hard at my job in the US. My fellow colleague is leaving on the 13th to pursue a teaching ambition, leaving his responsibilities to myself and the owner of the company. Meaning all of what can be done over on my desk in SA, will fall onto it. This also means longer hours, 6 day week and less time with the family. Don’t get me wrong, I am passionate about my job and love organizing gaming parties for all sorts; Americans are probably the most entertaining bunch, and I get to work with them everyday. But I have also created new systems, managing their social media, bookings, invoicing, collecting payments, managing schedules, creating and sending out newsletters, hosting competitions, promoting franchising, taking calls, confirming parties, etc. It is A LOT of work to get through, within 5 hours.
My blogs are my pride and joy! I treasure all the feedback I get and feel so grateful for the opportunities that I have had. Tomorrow, is my blog’s 1st birthday! I wish that I had the knowledge that I have now, back when I started. I wish that I had done some more research and gotten to know the community better, and what to expect. Sometimes, you really need to have a thick skin in this bloggersphere. Overall, my blogs bring me so much happiness but I can be really tough on myself, especially when it comes to blog envy. Two weeks ago, I had this burst of energy and every available moment of my weekend, I set to writing a blog post. I had posts scheduled for 3 weeks in advance and was feeling pretty productive. But now, when these posts are busy going live, I don’t get the same sort of rush or the feeling of accomplishment. So what it comes down to is, I would rather not be the overly-organized blogger, who manages to post everyday but rather when I can, because at least the posts that I do get done, include a little piece of my heart and give me that incredible feeling that I blog for.
It’s just that time of the year. This year, although it’s gone by fast, has included a lot of challenges and it’s the time of the year, where you can’t wait for it to be over. I am looking forward to the days after Christmas, because my mom is visiting! This will be her longest visit and will include lots of time around the pool, catching up and just being us. To understand my mom and my relationship, you’d have to watch the Gilmore Girls. I hate that she lives so far, but even so, when I do get the chance to talk to her, I can bitch all that I want and she’ll laugh, and bitch too, and then we will say that we are over it, and that we need to live life to please ourselves, say our I love yous and put the phone down, before taking to Whatsapp and bitching again. My mom and I share everything and even when we disagree – it’ll last a day and we put it behind us. I can be honest, upfront and not worry about anyone’s feelings getting hurt. That’s my mom, she’s the one that can make anything sound better and will do anything to help you out a pickle.
I am a huge fan of Steve Jobs. I do not idolise him for being an incredible man, but rather for being human. It is no secret that he screwed many people over, that he was thrown from his high horse or that he wasn’t always the nicest person to be around. But the man was innovative – he saw a way to change technology as we know it – he was motivated, so much so that it was complete stubbornness that stopped him from giving up. He was constantly changing, evolving. In his book and 2005 commencement speech, he mentions that every morning, he asks himself whether he is happy. If the answer is yes, he knows that he is doing something right but if the answer is no, too many days in a row, he knows that he needs to change something to ensure that tomorrow, the answer will be ‘yes’. At the moment, I am not happy and I haven’t been happy for a few days, so I need to make a change.
I have decided that I will rant in this post, but now that I have had my rant… it is over! I must move on from this and let it go. I must reflect on what will make me happy. If it is my blog: what about my blog? What can I change that will make me feel more fulfilled and overall accomplished?
It is a lot for me to work through (some of which I typed and deleted, feeling that it wasn’t appropriate), but after writing … I already feel lighter. My sister, who is 11 years old, once told me to write a letter to my mom’s boyfriend – who was abusing her – but to not send it. I asked her why? She said that by writing it, I will get to let everything out, but not have to deal with the backlash of my words. I remember that I wasn’t too sure about it, but when I did it, I pressed delete on the 5 page letter that I typed and was blown away by how much better it felt. The wisdom of my sister is outstanding at times and the power of words are just as incredible.