24 Sep Dear my 30 year old self
I cringe every morning when I excitedly read through my Time Hop, and these are only the things that happened a year ago. In 9 years time, I will be celebrating the big 3-0. You might think that I am thinking way too far ahead, but that’s nothing compared to me working out that the month Axl turns 21, my mom turns 60.
There are so many things that are happening right now that I hope in 9 years time, are still blooming but in case they’re not… Here’s to me – the older and wiser version.
Today, my son is nearing 7 months old. He is the definition of my existence and the centre of mine and Darren’s universe. He has learnt to laugh when everyone is laughing which sometimes means an over-dramatic fake laugh which leads to a fake cough, causing us to laugh more which means he feels he must laugh -it’s a vicious circle. He is starting to pull himself up, to stand, and is so
determined to start crawling. The past 2 days he has learnt that when he is tired, to lie on my chest, bury his face into my neck and fall asleep while playing with his favorite beaded necklace. (I do hope that it’s been upgraded, by now!) Just reading this must make you all broody, doesn’t it? I’d like to think that by 30, you’ve had another child but in the same instance, I wonder if we ever stuck to our plan of only ever having one kid. Admittedly, there are times where D or I slip up and mention how we would so do this all over again. I just hope that now, when he is nearing 9 years old, that you still have those little things that you can treasure for lifetimes to come, and that you haven’t forgotten all about these special moments. Megan, never let your life become too hectic that you lose sight of the important “little” things. In the last year, you have truly come to know the meaning of family. Sure, it’s not always those who are blood related but rather the ones who are here for the long haul, and they should always be kept top priority… Never, forget that!
Darren is questioning his ability as a man, as he failed to hang blinds last night and has even asked you to call Luis to come and teach him to be a man. As usual, you’re amused. He continues to challenge you to have fun, to let go and to just enjoy the life we have. Just this weekend, he said… “Life is too short, you have to stop with the sad shit and laugh, laugh at every stupid little thing. ” I agree, but still can’t bring myself to watching ‘Nathan For You.’ I thoroughly enjoy how our relationship has grown and how we just click. We have this thing that when we are talking my language (cosmetics) the brands like MAC and Urban Decay are translated to tech talk and are compared to Steel Series and Razer. I love that, it’s our little thing. He continues to try his hand at professional gaming and admittedly although it is only the start, he is really beginning to prove himself. It can be a bit much at times: the shouting at the computer, competing with the team for a few hours of your hub’s attention, and the endless need for new hardware, etc. but I know how hard work pays off and I can only hope that by now he has found his place in the community. As for his career, we’re at a point where I think he needs a push to take some risks and grabbing what he deserves, even if that means leaving others disappointed or upset. I’ve learnt that we need to put ourselves and our little family first, because when push comes to shove, the people who we tried to protect and put before our own needs are the very ones who will drop you. Sometimes, you’ve got to be a little selfish. I always think of flight demonstrations, when they tell you to put your own mask on, before attending to anyone else, after all… What use will you be, if you’re already dead?
When it comes to the rest of the family…
Mom still lives in Jo’burg with Michael. I would love to know how that works out. She seems content over there but I can’t help but miss the other half of me. I go through stages of anger and complete sadness that she is missing out on so much, this side, but I always return to the idea that at the end of each day, I come home to my family, to Darren. Who would she come home to, if she were to stay in PE? She deserves to be happy too.
Gabi continues to stay with Lu, who is working really hard. He barely has any weekends, any more and seems really unhappy and tired when I do get the chance to see him. I am so grateful for the years of living with him, as it has created an amazing relationship. I’ve also let go of all the resentment towards Mark, and have accepted that he will always be a sucky father to me but if you have no expectations, you won’t face any disappointments. I doubt that anything would’ve changed by now, but that is ok. You’ve got to remember that it isn’t you, but him. He made the choice not to be part of your life, and he is the one who has missed out on so much, because of it. He made his bed. And besides, who needs him when you already have a dad who has by now probably taught your kid to fish, hunt, cook, draw, make his own furniture and so much more. If I’m honest, I never missed Mark because I never had the opportunity to, when I already had such a good dad.
Gabi would have just turned 20, when you read this next. I can’t picture it! I worry on the daily basis for her. I hope that she has found contentment and happiness in her adulthood because right now, she doesn’t seem all that happy with anything. I know that the divorce has affected her in ways I can’t begin to fathom and that it doesn’t help that she is faced with bullies at school, but like me… I know that she’ll overcome it all. I wish that I could say more about her, but right now she is in that awkward, no wait.. bitchy pre-teen stage, where we all know nothing, if you want to talk to her “snd a txt lyk dis.” She’ll maybe respond in a week, when she finds her phone and charger.
Living on the farm, I don’t get to see gran and oups all that often. Admittedly, I like my little bubble that I live in over here, but miss them the most. I couldn’t be bothered about the drama that comes with the rest of the family and have chosen to exclude myself from it. Oups and gran are my rock though, gran has been a second mom when my mom couldn’t be there and oups, well, he is oups. I hope that mine and Darren’s marriage continues to blossom like theirs has and that when I am 60-something, I get that girlish grin that my gran gets for my oup’s baby blues. Wouldn’t that be sweet?
A long with a charming husband, you’ve got an amazing sister-in-law who has become your best friend and sister. In any other world, this friendship would not exist as we are completely different. Ash is after high fashion, the Cape lifestyle and driving fancy cars while you’re pretty happy with a modest family home, kids who spit up and mess when they eat. However, we make it work. We see each other most weekends and she has become my person. I share everything with her, my exciting news, my goals, aspirations, worries and sorrows. I have never had this kind of friendship, and I have to say… I do absolutely adore it. It’s funny to think of where Ash will be in 9 years time. Will she be living it up in Paris, or will she have chosen to settle down with a guy? I can’t picture her settling down though, the person would need to have some major culture and be really interesting! But for now, I am just grateful for the time that I share with her, the endless laughs and the genuine girl time.
As for my current career. I’ve currently been working for Lee at MGR for almost 2 years and unless the pay and hours increase significantly, I don’t foresee it being a permanent thing. However, for the most part it is going very well. It helps that I can work from home and look after Axl all while earning a salary which looks after our weekly groceries and a few luxuries on the side. I absolutely adore working with Americans each day, I hear from such characters. My position in the company is ‘director of first impressions’ simply because I give a full analysis of each new lead, before delegating the account to the correct person. I’m managing bookings, invoicing, payments, etc. but lately, it feels like the work load has tripled compared to when I started at the company. Also, I’ve been put in charge of social media for MGR corporate, Tampa and all future franchises. PS. I hope that you’ve sold a franchise by now, because the promise of an awesome bonus sounded really good.
Tomorrow, you’re getting serious about this commitment to starting a healthier lifestyle. It kills me that insecurities about my weight have ruled me and broken me down for so long. I hope that by now you have come to accept yourself and that you have learnt to love who you are, no longer seeking the acknowledgement of anyone but you! I am so proud of you and overcoming so much and taking the first step to making the changes… Just keep taking those steps.
Megan, I compare you to the girl you were 5 years back and you’ve come a long way. Your mindset has changed from negative and limiting thoughts to positive, uplifting and empowering ones. This is only the beginning! I hope that you stick with this blog as it has become your platform to put things in perspective, deal with the past, embrace the lessons while letting go of the bad. Never limit yourself! The one time you believed in yourself, you made it into something – so believe and you will do it! When you were 12, you read the story of Pandora, it captured your heart and still holds a dear place there, always remember that even in the darkest of times, there is hope. Most of all… laugh! You don’t always have to be prim and proper, laugh from your belly, let your hair loose, run in the garden with your kid, do a silly dance, have a water-balloon fight, be free. You only have ONE life, so make every moment count.